How to Parent a possessive kid?

how-to-deal-with-possessive-kid

By Dr. Jetson Satya Gospel

Isn’t that sweet when you know that your child is possessive of you? But remember too much honey is going to hurt you. Likewise, we will discuss here ways to handle a possessive kid!

Let me share a few quotes as you ponder this journey of parenting a possessive child.

“If our love is only a will to possess, it is not love.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh,  (Peace Is Every Step: The Path of Mindfulness in Everyday Life)

“You want to be free. You also want to be mine. You can’t be both.”
― Nenia Campbell, (Crowned by Fire)

“There are only two mortal sins in the world; one of these is to be cruel and the other is to possess, and they are both destructive of happiness.”
― John Cowper Powys, (A Glastonbury Romance)

Now as you read the quotes I have stated above, it poses a question whether possessiveness is a negative emotion. Yes, it is when it crosses limits. Your three year old may cling to you a lot due to separation anxiety or challenges she faces as normal part of growing. That is natural and I wouldn’t call it possessive. But if you find that your child is too possessive, you may do something about it. So how might you stop the possessive examples in your relationship with your kid? The initial step is to comprehend the reason why your kid opts to participate in a controlling way of behaving, and the subsequent step is to manage the basic sentiments that drive your child toward  abnormal behavior.

The majority of us have some amounts of vulnerability surrounding our comfortable ties. A possessive child is similar. Here are some suggestions for dealing with your possessive child.

  1. Improve your child’s identity by telling them that they are admirable and fine by themselves, alone. Insist that they be reliable and competent. Oppose participating in envious, definitive or punishing ways of behaving
  2. Work towards improving confidence and self-dependence in your child. Don’t withdraw from her. Give her the company and guidance she needs but allow her to do activities independently or with other people.
  3. Acknowledge that these sentiments are from the past experiences
  4. Track down ways of quieting your nervousness
  5. Remove your relationship uneasiness with your kid if any
  6. Put new people and resources into your child’s life
  7. Converse with your child from a grown-up point of view

A few suggestions for parenting a possessive child are provided above. I trust that it would help you walk through a tough terrain and enter green pastures.

References

  1. https://www.psychalive.org/relationship-possessiveness/
  2. https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/870836-peace-is-every-step-the-path-of-mindfulness-in-everyday-life
By vitalmadevadmin in Behaviour and Discipline 0 Comment

How to deal with temper tantrums in toddlers?

how-to-deal-with-temper-tantrums-in-kids

Dr. Dhanalakshmi N.

Ph.D. (N), PG Psychological Counselling, M.Sc. Psychology

Introduction

Understanding how to handle children’s tantrums is crucial for parents since it will ease their stress and encourage youngsters to behave well. Temper tantrums are accepted as a typical and frequent occurrence in early childhood, and yet they frequently cause parental discomfort. They are a common reason why parents seek help for their children’s mental health. Tantrums can happen as young as twelve months old, although they most frequently happen between the ages of two and three.

Why do children throw tantrums?

A tantrum is an expression of a young child’s frustration with her restrictions or anger about not being able to get her own way. Possibly your child is having trouble figuring something out or finishing a task. Maybe your child doesn’t have the words to express his or her feelings. Frustration might cause an outburst, resulting in a temper tantrum.

If your child is hungry, tired, feeling ill, or needs a changeover, her threshold for frustration is likely to be lesser and a tantrum is more likely to occur.

When is a temper tantrum not normal?

After the age of four, it is crucial to seek professional advice and correct this behaviour if tantrum episodes become more frequent, disrupt the child’s routine, cause harm to the child or others, or include holding one’s breath to the point of fainting.

Stages of a temper tantrum

A tantrum episode can be divided into three stages and understanding these stages will help you to manage future episodes effectively.

Stage 1: Screaming, yelling, crying and whining

Stage 2: Falling on the ground, continuously screaming, stamping on the ground, rolling on the ground

Stage 3: Whining continuously

Prevention of Tantrums

  • Prevention is better than cure: Prevention is the best way to handle frequent and recurrent temper tantrums, therefore trying to alleviate common triggers of temper tantrums such as fatigue, hunger, illness or injury can be helpful.
  • Be consistent: Create a daily schedule for your child so that they know what to expect. Maintain a schedule that balances enjoyable activities with ample rest and a nutritious diet as much as you can.
  • Let your child make appropriate choices: Give your kid a say in little things. Refrain from turning down everything. Would you prefer to read a book or construct a tower out of blocks, for instance?
  • Appreciate good behaviour: Children require regular encouragement and positive reinforcement. When your child demonstrates restraint, acknowledge them. Give your child more attention when they behave nicely. When your child follows instructions, give him or her a hug or express your pride in them.
  • Make agreements: Make sure you communicate your expectations regarding their behaviour with your child. Make agreements with them regarding their demands (e., what is allowed and what is not allowed) and remind them repeatedly.

Parenting a tantrum-prone child

There are times when parents and caregivers cannot avoid a tantrum but can minimize their stress by practicing consistent management strategies. Parents must adopt certain principles to manage a child’s temper tantrum behaviour. The abbreviation R.I.D.D. can help parents and caregivers handle a typical tantrum.

  • Remain calm and act as an example: It is advantageous to take a calm, redirecting, and distracting attitude. In a normal tone, say firmly “no biting.” Explain your guidelines in a calm manner once your child has calmed down.
  • Ignore the tantrum: Some children throw tantrums to seek attention. Try ignoring the tantrum, but pay attention to your child after she calms down. Spend quality time with your child so she doesn’t have to seek attention.
  • Distract the child: Take your child to a quiet place where she can calm down safely. Speak softly or play soft music.
  • Say “yes”: Yield to a child’s demands when necessary to the child’s physical and safety needs, but resist pressure to comply at other times. If you yield every time, it could encourage undesirable conduct.

Do not use physical punishment as it may lead to tantrum behaviour that is more serious or persistent. Physical punishment teaches a child that it is acceptable to hit someone when they are angry or irritated.

Managing Tantrums based on stages

Stage 1: Screaming, yelling, crying, and whining

Move: Take the child to a different place. Take your child to a quiet place where he or she can calm down safely. Speak softly or play soft music.

Distract: Young children have a brief attention span. Use it and try to divert the child and offer something else. Involve them in a different activity and take the child away from the environment of the tantrum.

Negotiate: Provide an alternative to what the child is asking/wanting.

Stage 2: Falling to the ground, continuing to scream, stamping on the floor, and rolling on the ground

In order to prevent a child from hurting themselves, make sure that there is adequate room. Avoid focusing on or responding to the child’s attention-seeking behaviour.

Stage 3: Continues to whine

Sooth and console the child physically. The child may feel more safe and defuse a tantrum more quickly if you hold them.
Give the kid different toys or activities to try.

What if my child becomes destructive or dangerous?

If a tantrum worsens, remove your child from the situation immediately especially if it could become dangerous. Sooth her by showing tenderness and understanding. Divert her attention. Some people prefer timeouts but note that timeouts should be done in the spirit of providing a safe space to the child to calm down rather than as a punishment. If you want to impose a timeout, consider the following:

  • Timeout is not a punishment: Don’t make the child feel that timeout is a punishment. Rather, make it a safe place where she can cool down.
  • Select a timeout spot: Make your kid sit in a dull spot, like a chair in the living room or the floor in the hallway. Hold off until your child has calmed down. Show that you love and care for her. Sooth her. Consider giving your child a timeout for one minute for each year of age.
  • Stick with it: If your child starts to walk around before the timeout is over, return her to the designated timeout spot, while showing her that you care for her.
  • Know when to end the timeout: Discuss the purpose of the timeout and why the behaviour was improper with your child once they have calmed down. Go back to your regular activities after that. However, don’t overuse timeouts or they won’t be effective.

In these challenging times, make sure to create an environment of positivity at home to try to make children feel happy and relaxed. Take care of yourself too – because if you are happy, your family will be happy.

References

  1. https://www.unicef.org/india/parentingtips/handling-temper-tantrums#:~:text=Provide%20positive%20attention%3A%20Observe%20your,have%20a%20short%20attention%20span.
  2. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK544286/
By vitalmadevadmin in Behaviour and Discipline, Child Safety 0 Comment

How to deal with Attention-seeking behaviour in children?

How-to-deal-with-attention-seeking-behaviour-in-child

By Siyona Varghese

 

The ability to discriminate between needs and wants is just not developed yet in children between the ages of 3 and 6. As a result, they sometimes act as though they’re attempting to push you away. This can indicate that they are more in need of your help than before. You may be able to assist your child more effectively if you recognize the underlying causes of their attention-seeking behaviour.

The Root Cause

Children want your attention naturally since they rely on adults for stability and care. Although you may want kids to behave well always, given their age and developmental stage they would misbehave sometimes. Note that it is normal and it is also normal for a child to seek attention. It should concern you only if a child’s conduct becomes out of control.  A child my seem out of control for a variety of causes including problems in their upbringing or environment. Their conduct might also be impacted by a brain-based difference.
Here are some helpful strategies for dealing with a child that constantly demands attention:

Reinforce Good behaviour: Rewarding them for good behaviour is the most effective approach to encourage good behaviour. Compliment them on most things, big or small, they do well (1). Compliment them in a way that they understand why you are complimenting. Avoid empty appreciation.

Spend time with your kids: Parents sometimes mistakenly believe that they are spending all of their time taking care of their children because they do chores like washing their clothes, cooking their meals, making their beds, sending them off to school etc. However, while these fundamental activities are wonderful, children need you to play with them and give them direct attention. Children also need to be mentally and emotionally stimulated. Make sure you spend a lot of quality time reading, playing and conversing with your children.

Be Compassionate: Empathy must be used while addressing the issue of unwanted conduct with young children. You don’t have to fully comprehend their behaviour to be empathetic. An understanding touch and a friendly smile go a long way.

It can be an absolute challenge to maintain kindness and empathy when the kids act rude. However, remind yourself that they are only kids. Once you are aware of their developmental maturity, you will be able to better comprehend what they can and cannot handle. 

Explain what is an emergency and what is not: Give your children some guidance on how to distinguish between a real emergency that requires your quick response and something they want but isn’t a top priority. Here’s a simple tip: make sure you have a clear plan that enables your children to communicate when something is actually significant. Children will learn to distinguish between a genuine emergency and someone simply needing your attention by developing a catchphrase they may use in an actual emergency (such as, “code red”).

Communicate: It’s possible that they feel “not good enough” in their academic subjects at school, so they “act up” to mask how they truly feel, which is not good enough. Communicate with them about how you can boost their academic performance or give them more self-assurance in the topics they are finding tough. If necessary, find ways to support them. Discover easy ways to build their confidence, such as talking to their teacher or playing some memory games for a few minutes while driving to school(2). Let them also know under-performance is okay sometimes.

Avoid yelling: When children won’t stop crying or you’re exhausted and at your wit’s end, it can be quite tempting to bring your emotional reactions down to their level. When you feel like you could lose control and snap, try to have a strategy in place for getting away from the situation. If they don’t stop acting up for attention, tell them: “I need to take a 5-minute time-out as you won’t stop crying.” Once you feel calm enough to handle the kids, return to your quiet space and practice some deep breathing and relaxation techniques. If you need a break, ensure the child is left in another adult’s care.

Make sure they don’t feel guilty: Many parents experience chronic fatigue and overwork as a result of juggling the demands of their children, and life in general. As a result, it can be tempting to use our challenges such as a demanding job, an unpleasant encounter with a neighbor, or a disagreement with our partner to guilt our children into acting well. 

But our children shouldn’t be exposed to the problems we adults experience. Kids already feel enough stress and worry on their own; it’s unfair to subject them to more stress. Although it’s okay for them to be aware of how worn out you are, you should avoid discussing all the specific details.

Don’t assume: Many parents panic when their children exhibit attention-seeking habits while in fact, the issue is not a serious one. It’s normal for most children to act out at some point during their development. It doesn’t necessarily imply that they have a problem. Expecting this behaviour in children and responding to it with appropriate consequences will help you educate kids how to behave appropriately when they’re sad or want attention (3).

Bottom line: Children often engage in attention-seeking behaviour. Some young kids behave a certain way because they don’t know how to express their demands in a calmer way. There are various ways of supporting the kids, even if you don’t understand their reasons. 

It is crucial to focus on your relationship with your children as it is one of the most essential ways to meet their requirements. Their cornerstone for living a healthy life will be creating a strong and supportive bond.

References

  1. https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-to-do-about-attention-seeking-kids#recap
  2. https://sueatkinsparentingcoach.com/2020/05/what-to-do-if-you-have-an-attention-seeking-child/
  3. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4415806/
By vitalmadevadmin in Behaviour and Discipline 0 Comment